i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
