I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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