my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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