dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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