she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Randomize
