My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
