Already got asked if we're dating
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
