I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
