i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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