Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
