A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
