I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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