he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
