I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
