I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
