and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
