i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
