Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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