Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize