the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
