they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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