I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
