I can tuck mytits in my pants
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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