her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
