We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Randomize
