yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
