I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
