genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
