Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
