I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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