I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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