My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
