Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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