What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
