I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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