i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize