Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
