At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
