Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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