I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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