Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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