So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
