She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize