She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just pee around me
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
