We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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