so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
