I am midnight drunk by noon
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
