I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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