I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
soo... how was my night?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
