So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
