shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
someone threw a dead crab at me
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
