My liver just broke up with me...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
