I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
