if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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