I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
