i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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