You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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