It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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