Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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