I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
