She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
