allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
