Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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