Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
